stage four lung cancer looked less
like a nebula of dark cells floating,
pushing past pink tissue and alveoli
it was a plastic halo stuck between
a trembling lip and sickly nose;
it was hair growing unevenly above
it was slender fingers folded atop
graying emaciated thighs
in the room, there was only one photo of her:
she was smiling there
with full cheeks and
she stood a foot apart from her son and husband,
both of who were in a close embrace.
the medication stopped working a long time ago
and everyone is holding their breath.
the sea bore me during low tide.
my tiny body raced into the rocky shore,
and my back bled crimson and yellow.
it was here that i learned how to wail.
a set of arms curiously trace the scars. i
read this as love, and we sift our hands underneath
each other’s flesh. our arms in an embrace for eternity.
our eyes glossed over with tears.
i perform a surgical procedure on myself:
scalpels, scissors, and two pairs of arms
hanging a lifeless blue from their tendons.
i weep from the butchering.
hello. if you have been following my blog or are a highly attentive reader in other ways, i would like to address that unannounced hiatus of an odd scale. in the time i have posted “prognosis” and this post, i have:
- finished my first year of college
- published in a literary magazine for the first time
- performed my first poetry reading
- developed another couple of catharses to ponder on.
first off, my introduction to college was a ride full of uncertainties, good and not as good. i found the major i love, and i can see my future self thanking me. and yes, there was certainly a happy ending for me, provided that one did not venture too far into my personal life.
as for my writing, i realize that this blog may remain simply a hobby for quite some time. in time, i believe that may change. it was a happy surprise to see my words in a paperback alongside many other beautiful and exciting writers. i especially loved hearing and seeing the impact of my words in person. i never thought strangers would be so excited about my writing until then. but as much as i would love to further my reach, i am also working on a path completely separate from the one you see on this blog.
in sum: i am alive and well. perhaps not as well as i would enjoy, but well enough to write (and that’s all that matters in the end).
thanks for reading.
the sun seemed to hang in the blue sky
with no intention of setting—
its certainty scorched
relentless against my skin.
and so i lay calmly beneath it,
so as to let it peel me clean and
evaporate the mist that remained
from that endless beautiful twilight.
and i will gather the salt on my face.
i will let it dry my tongue
of the words that poured
nourishingly and sweet.
and i will hold this body with my own hands.
i will heave it upwards
to let it face the horizon
with a smile well-rehearsed.
my swollen tongue–
scarred from biting, now
gorging with old pus
i’ve grown acquainted to it,
the taste of blood fermenting away
leaving the illusion of a
sterile alcohol rinse
one day my mouth will lyse
and turn kisses stale,
then you’ll leave me
sunlight flickered past leaves, projecting
a kaleidoscopic green upon my eyelids.
the road bent through the mountains,
swallowing cars into its peaks and
lulling its children to sleep.
the landslides grew distant as the
pavement thumped to the rhythm of a heart.
a distant echo of the archipelago was
etched into valleys as rice terraces,
and the gods loomed where the clouds
scraped the grass.
to this day the ground whispers of
brown feet adorned with beads and shackles,
of tongues that have tasted tinola and blood.
but the crater was never filled up
with concrete for a parking lot
because what’s left of you still
glitters bright upon the earth
better than any tar and asphalt.
and we collect you from in between
cracks in the soil, our fingers
clinging to memories of your
your brilliant mind.
our skin has renewed in the year since–
the wounds have scabbed over, peeling away.
we are all in some amount bigger,
our hearts accustomed to heaviness,
but you linger still in the wrinkles
of our palms and of our laughter.
each gentle word a testament to you,
we breathe continuously of your love.
dedicated to Alainee. your words still echo here.